I’m on my way to diagnosis, and this is the path we are currently on. Major depressive disorder with mixed symptoms.
I’ve researched for hours but this was something I’d never landed on ✈️
It’s uncontrollable laughter in the blink of an eye, and equally, dread in breath.
It’s being on the verge of success.
It’s being constant pondering of why and when:
When must I feel nothing again?
The only thing that would stop me thinking about death would be to have something incredible in my life happen every couple of days. Something drastic and equivalent to moving houses.
I kind of wish I had that chance to experience such overwhelming happiness more often.
I imagine how it’d be like to be safe in all aspects; relationships, financial, physical and mental stability/security etc.
It seems so distant and unachievable, as if it’ll be my entire purpose in life until the last moments.
Like there’s a level of comfort I’ll never reach.
And of course everything takes time and persistence, which is just how life operates.
Although, I am left to wonder at what point my hope falters and I don’t have anything to try for..
I can feel my mood getting sadder and sadder while I try to hold onto the happiness.
The longer I try to hold on, the more I concentrate on it, the weaker I am. Just when I’m in a good frame of mind for a few hours, it goes in another direction like a sudden turn in the road. And then the only option to stick with is realising that I’ll never be emotionally stable.
I thought it would flourish when I left it be, in the way that a garden works. It never grows how you expect, but the fact that it grows is where I had placed my reliance.
Sometimes gardens just aren’t established enough to maintain itself and so it turns back into nature’s hands and disappears.
Not only can it not go back how it used to be, but it takes time to cut the grass back and takes patience and bravery to commit to regrowing it.
How can I let myself put so much time into something so vague and fragile when I struggle even to capture the merest opportunities for myself?
Surely I have to keep going with it all because I can’t seem to give any of it up until at least something good comes out of it. And that this has to be from the outside world, not just my perception of how i think it is.
It feels different to how it looks. Everything does.
It’s not the endless excitement that lasts, it’s the one that comes and goes too frequently.
It’s the outside looking in, and when the outside looks like the inside, and the inside is chaotic and changing, maybe only those who understand the chaos won’t mind.
It’s beautiful though, I know this.
It’s just never what you expect.
I have a party to go to on the weekend, and I haven’t been to one in years because every time I go, I feel like everyone hates me within the first hour.
When this happens I can’t talk to people anymore. I try to avoid eye contact because if I know they are watching, I am embarrassed by what they see when they look at me.
It really is quite painful.
Even buying something from the shops and interacting with the cashier can be incredibly intimidating.
This comes with even more problems when you don’t want to miss out on anything; you regret not going or regret drawing attention to yourself and causing your own embarrassment.
This gives you hours of ruminating and flashbacks of horror. Which you then figure out from it that you can’t do it again because it’s easier not to. Far too terrifying if you did.
And it isn’t exactly exposure therapy at a party when all the social characters are together being loud, all crowding together in seemingly exclusive groups.
I had my writing phase for a few months many months ago before it became a painting and creating phase. So I wonder if halfway through a phase I can shift gears to another with a paragraph or two.
I genuinely don’t know what will happen with this blog or what I am supposed to do with it. Because, there is probably a point where I can no longer find time for it when I always have ideas for other projects.
I don’t know if I’ve said this before but there are so many things I want to be: visual artist, author, musician, songwriter, photographer etc. and I’ve already tried each of them with phase efforts. This means I could either, (once one of these avenues becomes liable as a source of income) employ a person to help with the more mundane or simpler tasks of each category throughout my phases (which would include the one I’m not focused on at the time) , or, just have an incredibly staggered growth for each career without help. The first option would be pretty difficult at first with a low income.
However, I do know that if I am not self employed and am forced to work for a business that I don’t enjoy working for, because I can’t afford a career in what I love doing, it will be incredibly disappointing.